Ramblings of a ManMad

Subject:	Holiday - Happy Thanksgiving
Time:	1:53 am.

There several having birthdays-- happy birthday to ya'll.

Trying to debate what to do this holiday season. Decided not to going shopping. Certain events have made it much better if I stay at home, save money and recover from some semi-unexpected money issues. =/ I budget well however, so when these types of things don't go well... I usually have already accounted for it. None-the-less, it means I can't spend when I wanted to buy stuff... like maybe another computer or a Flip. =)

Ah well.

I'm debating the club Thursday night. Haven't been to the Church in ages and it's usually not too bad Thanksgiving night. *ponders* Depends on what family and friends are doing I suppose.

shooman out

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Subject:	Great Sat, Bad Sunday (almost)
Time:	11:43 pm.

Saturday I had a decent day. Helped the pastor move from 9am to 3:45pm roughly.

( Sat Murder mystery b-day party )

Then went to Solli and Tox's place-- danke to them. I always have a great time there.

( In a funk )

And that's the crazy thing. I have been thinking lately about how worried and stressed I get. How my mind is collapsing in on itself. And how I sing. "I can sing in the troubled times, Sing when I win, I can sing when I lose my step, And fall down again" (Chris Tomlin, "How Can I Keep from Singing") Good times, bad times, song and hope. Sing when I get jittery around pretty women or sing when I get an odd tune stuck in my mind.

I guess it can be a pretty annoying habit of mine. Somehow I need to find a way to relax. If I can't find a way to do so, the stress and not sleeping is going to eventually be disaster.

shooman out

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Subject:	hrmm... friend asked me to ask around...
Time:	1:28 am.

See I have a friend who has recently started to get really involved with a kind of a traveling club. They try to teach people how to travel, share stories of their travels and experiences. Generally encourage traveling. Their club is part of a national club and they meet at REI once a month. I'm not really interested in joining but the national level basically determines how active the local branches are by their various activities.

So the more my friend gives his presentation on his travels to various exotic places, get people to sign up at the meetings and maybe even join the e-mail list... well the more benefits the local club gets on the local level. I get the impression it's highly prestige based and the local club gets more money for free food at meetings, better discounts on travels, etc.

So if you're a fan of traveling around the world... then this might be for you. Just need like a group for him to go talk to. Or come attend one of their meetings. They meet 11 times a year-- skipping December. So it's a while before their next meeting.

Today's meeting was talking about Amazonian Marathon racing. Evidently it's quite dangerous although one guy did the whole thing barefoot. Only 1/2 finished the race. One guy was so bad he had a seizure for 8 hours straight. Next time may be a guy who's going to go on that new gianormous luxury liner replete with pictures. heh.

I'm astonished by the depth of world travel that is present at the club. They really have been to a ton of countries.

shooman out

EDIT-- They also said they were desperate for young blood. Evidently not a lot of young travelers actually bother to go to clubs and seek out fellow travelers for tips and information. The club is full of elderly experienced world travelers. To be perfectly frank, the appearance of the members turned me off a little my first visit but they are extremely knowledgeable. I'm not a big fan of travel-- too much I need to get done locally BUT... if I ever wanted to travel, these would be my first contacts.

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Subject:	As I sleep...
Time:	11:45 pm.

I came home early so I could try to get to bed earlier today.

And I am browsing facebook and looking at pictures of the party at Skwid. Fond memories of both the party at Matt and Tea's and the party at Skwid's from this weekend flood the corners of my mind. And I am glad to be around people when they celebrate and have fun. Or just to be included in all aspects of life.

Sometimes I let life overwhelm me. Or just get to feeling lonely or alone. But there are good laughs and good memories all over the place. You just have to make the effort to dig them out. Feel around for them, roll around in them. It's not something that comes naturally for me.

I like to be all "woe is me", "why is life hard?", and my favorite... "I will always be single!"

But in the end, it really is all in my mind and the only way to be happy is to dig yourself out of that box of grime. Feel your way into these happy moments. Relish them. Revive them. And enjoy the ride.

shooman out

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Subject:	Fake News By Shoo
Time:	8:13 am.

Fake News By Shoo
Headline: As insomnia rises, analysts concerned about pillow shortages.

Insomniac Adam Marsh said in a recent interview, "Yes. I'm an insomniac and my pillow disappeared. I finally got to sleep and was having a great dream about marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was gone!"

Not alone, analysts are reporting this is an increasingly common phenomenon amongst insomniacs. It is estimated one in a million insomniacs eat their pillows every day. This is an astronomical 1000 times increase in the number of insomniac pillow eaters-- up from last year's figure of one in a billion insomniacs.

Analysts are worried. Theories abound. Is this just another of subconscious trend by the American yearning of yet another empty calorie source? Or do the psychologists have it correct with their theory of a subconscious anger towards pillows as sleep is deprived? With so little funding towards this research, many fear the answer my never be known.

This is shooman, bringing you fake news. Good day and good night (if you can sleep).

shooman out

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Subject:	Week/weekend update
Time:	12:29 am.

( jabbering about work stuff )

Friday night I got a call from a friend offering me free food. I hung out with the friend till 3am. Most everyone else at the small gathering left after watching Transformers: RotF. The guy makes an EXCELLENT pizza. Premade crust but did it right with homemade pizza sauce, real mozzarella, etc. Then played WII tennis and then resort with him and my arm is STILL sore.

Sat I spent almost the whole day cleaning. Meant to go do something in Denton but with 3 loads of laundry, vacuuming, etc to do... I spent the day mining in Eve Online and cleaning. Got a lot done.

Sat night I went to a b-day party. ( Party details, dang emotions )

Sunday night I woke up and saw a 6am text msg that I hadn't a clue when I rec'd saying sound for church was canceled. I double checked and eagerly took the extra 1 1/2 hours of sleep.

Next week should be fun with a friend's Medieval Time's dinner AND at least one Halloween party. Hoping to do both Skwid's party and one other. If I can get the details for the second. Still have to do sound the day after but it should work out since next weekend is daylight's saving time too.

shooman out

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Subject:	So tired...
Time:	2:02 am.

work's been insane and I'm starting to get so worn down I can't even keep up at work and do my stuff at a decent speed. Plus doing sound for the wedding last weekend really wore me out. That sound equipment was HEAVY.

I can barely think. Must sleep but just got done doing bills. I've been so busy this month with parties and work that I almost forgot about my match.com account. I just wrote 2 more e-mails and STILL have to write one more before end of month for that 6 month guarantee thing.

But I did come up with this punny message for the last e-mail. And very insightful too I thought:

"If life made sense... would we all have a lot of change?"

And the answer of course, is reversed. We have a lot of change, so we don't think life makes sense. But really, change = sense. Or was that cents. I forget.

shooman out

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Subject:	Been a very rough couple of weeks...
Time:	1:36 am.

1) Work's been busy busy busy. What could go wrong... had gone wrong and probably multiple times.

I've been a man mad trying to fix it all.

2) In the midst of fixing it, I got contacted by corporate about a task I've been working on for a LOOONG time... months. And hadn't resolved. I told them I was busy and I'd get to it asap. *shrugs* Evidently not a lot were happy about that answer. But it was the best I could do. I thought about it and worried a little before I sent the response... but now I'm not that bothered any more.

Luckily part of the reason is that the resolution should come Friday (finally!).

3) I've been too busy to post about some random thoughts. The only one I can remember is one of those thoughts that is very much a "shooman" train of thought. I can't help be embarrassed yet amused. There's a girl who I found out from facebook is a veterinary nurse. Well my thoughts when I found out where:

"Oh my! I bet a lot of men make their pets sick just to see the nurse! Oh no wait, that's a pretty dark thought. No, those men just make themselves sick to see a nurse in the ER. That's a better thought. Wait, we could train our pets to pretend to be sick so we could see the vet nurse! That'd be a perfect next Garfield movie plotline! Jon and the nurse have relationship problems and GARFIELD pretends to be sick and SAVES the day! Yay! Happy thought!"

4) Today in the shower, I thought... you know...
I have not thought about lemmings in a while. But every elite lemming ninja attack force needs a well trained naked mole rat demolition unit. Even if they fall asleep on the job-- at least they don't feel the pain of explosion. They live for forever (compared to most rats), feel little to no pain, need very little oxygen. Sure they're narcoleptic but... no one's perfect.

shooman out

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Subject:	Hrmm... Various thoughts and Karaoke
Time:	1:28 am.

1) Realized a lot of things become clarified in my life if viewed with my senses of helplessness, lack of power, and need for control.

It explains why I hate horror movies. They make me feel helpless-- I can't control the bad things. I need to be able to make things better and I can't. Too much like real life. Too much like things that happen in life.

I have that male instinctive need to FIX things that women dislike quite often. lol.

2) I found out that Sharky's had "The Gift" by Seether today. It's just not on the book. I was DIRT tired... it was well after I sang my second song. But I couldn't resist. I stayed extra late.

I sang Remy Zero, "Save Me". I thought I did horrible but I was told I was okay. I found out later the reason I had so much trouble was because they started to turn down the song to the octave I'm comfortable with but somehow the program auto jumped the pitch an octave higher in the middle of the song. So I was singing two octaves higher than I was comfy with.

I then did Green Day's, "Wake me up when September ends". I did decent on that, added a lot of edge to my voice on it but it makes my voice a little hoarse.

So being late, being tired, and being hoarse... I didn't exactly do "The Gift" well. But it is a song I love, and I sing with emotion and from the heart. So hopefully that conveyed.

I'll definitely do it again when I'm not tired and my voice does it justice. I've done much better versions in my opinion when I edge the voice more. I'm not sure-- un-edged the tune has a lot more impact on me but I think it's for sentiment. It makes me feel like I'm just saying these words because I feel them so much. I feel them less now that I have learned a little more of forgiveness.

So maybe that's why I think the edged version is better since it's more about effect and affect rather than internalization. Tired. zzzzzzz

shooman out

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Subject:	Dig straight down... =)
Time:	5:18 pm.

So it turns out, there's a website that answer the question... where will you be if you dig straight down from X location. You'd think looking at a map, it'd be easy to tell but a map is a flat rendition of a round topographical layout. So you kinda have to think in curved surface rendition terms. It's not as easy as it sounds. Best I can ever do for remembering is that closer to the equator, the easier it is-- and central USA you get pretty close to hitting Australia (I was it turns out, fairly wrong).

But now it turns out there's a nifty website to show you JUST where you'd be if you managed to do the impossible:

http://www.ubasics.com/dighole/

Enjoy!

shooman out

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Subject:	gah... cup number 4 spilled
Time:	1:24 pm.

As I get older, I really do start to feel like I need a sippy cup. I should take Sara and Jacknife's gifts to work. LOL.

This time the coffee went EVERYWHERE. I ruined about 100 sheets of paper and spent like 20 or 30 mins cleaning. Then on top of that, I had to sort out and hopefully I got everything missing reprinted. =/ But it made me realize that we're out of paper and I haven't ordered more of a LOT of office supplies in a LONG time or made a Sam's run.

Makes me feel bad about going out at 8pm last night. It's a frustrating feeling-- feeling like you have to obsess about a cup of coffee spilled or an hour not worked.

shooman out

EDIT: going out to eat... instead of bringing it back. Take a chill pill. =P

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Subject:	Today was rough at camp
Time:	12:34 am.

First they ground out this whole forgiving my sister thing. The only person I've had a terrible time trying to forgive. I do it, she breaks it, she makes me mad and puts up what I unaffectionately call "the wall", which makes me more angry.

I am reaching deep and trying to get back to where I can forgive my sister even knowing she's going to do something I will think is foolish or stupid-- like giving more money to her jailed alcoholic boyfriend/fiance (with the description being objective yet hard to type and stay objective)... Or taking more pills or ... whatever.

I can talk about it more and more and it no longer fills me with as much dread as sadness. I need to shed the sadness, shed the anger. It's blocking my way for loving my sister and knowing she's broken and needs help-- even if the help is not working. As long as I react logically and objectively and keep my financial, social, and emotional happiness safe and safeguarded.

Plus they had some girl put an arm around me and sit and take it. And some girl didn't know and started rubbing my back and I thought it was the guy next to her playing a prank on me... arrgggggh. But yet... they're just trying to help and that's partly why I'm there. The other part was my friend.

But I had to let everyone know immediately about my touch thing-- because the whole camp is full of hugging!!!!!!! *sighs* Driving me nutz and they genuinely want me to be brave and hug women. They even spent a looong time today talking to me about how women hug you depending on how you present yourself. You can almost be sure they always stand a bit off, no leg contact, pat on the shoulder type hug.

It still scares me-- that I might get addicted to the hugging. I tried during UT Austin years... hugged a few people then... and when I got to Denton again, I hugged a few more times during my LARP years-- DBS. But I got disturbed.

It went horribly wrong. I got addicted to a person's hug. And she was definitely not single. And I was honest, told the person, the SO of the person (later husband of the person), and kept being told it'd be okay. That I'd get comfortable with the hugging.

But I didn't. I grew horribly addicted. I wanted more and more and I hated that I wasn't in control. I always assumed I could control my emotions. That I couldn't fall in love or at least so addicted it felt like love... unless I made the decision to do so.

I have always had to deal with feeling helpless. I can't seem to make myself feel like I make enough of a difference, that I'm needed, that when the chips are down-- I can be a difference. All my life, I keep doing my best to stay in control, to keep my mistakes from being too bad, to keep my efforts always making things better. To suppress the bad nasty person I was when I was a kid.

I could be so evil if I didn't just stay in control.

I have a feeling I can't escape this push to make me hug. I'm not sure I want to. I am desire and lust and desire for power. I am helplessness because humans have free will and one person could make a life miserable when you care for that one person. I am powerless because change for me takes so long and could be wiped away with one mistake. There's my favorite song that I wish I could sing in karaoke because I feel the lyrics so much-- Seether's "The Gift". "Hold me now I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need".

But I'll go tomorrow-- see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully get to go to the tail end of a party tomorrow around midnight. =)

shooman out

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Subject:	Today's main topic at Life Boot Camp-- Forgiveness
Time:	11:59 pm.

Ironic since I recently had an online convo about this.

The big thing they said that I hadn't realized before-- forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the person back into your life if it's unhealthy or illegal or whatever.

It means letting go of the anger, guilt, and shame of a situation/person/event/etc. That part I already knew. But I figured if you could not be angry about something... why not have them back into your life? Try to help the person?

Well if they don't feel bad or want to be in your life or continue self-destructive trends... you sometimes have to.

And I got hit hard by this because I have a lot of trouble forgiving my sister. For all she's put the family through. I want to pick her apart and nag her and hold onto all that anger. I'm still friendly with her, I love her, I joke with her and share things with her.

But there's a part of me that can't talk about her without anger and fear. Part of this camp is to get over such things that you hold onto that make your life harder without a good reason. This type of forgiveness can help a person's health and make them sleep better.

I hope I can lose this about my sister so my relationship with her is better.

shooman out

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